


Outsiders

by animuia



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-06
Updated: 2015-10-06
Packaged: 2018-04-25 02:11:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4942696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/animuia/pseuds/animuia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Minseok and Jongdae feel like outsiders.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Outsiders

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in 2012.

Minseok is scared.

Just one day out of blue, he wakes up and sees nothing but a white room before him. Just an empty white room. The dread that fills him feels like a rock just drops into a bottomless hole. He comes to a trembling realization that he can’t see the reflection of himself anymore.

So what is he?

An invisible man, an outsider.

The feeling isn’t new. Minseok feels it whenever he stands on stage or seeing Chinese members talking to others while he is by himself alone. He remembers vividly how on the first day the staff tells them repeatedly that they are a team, how no differences can separate them. But Minseok knows that it’s not true. There is a difference. He is a Korean in China. The language barrier and nationality separate them. No matter how much the lies sound so sweet, Minseok can’t change who he is. He doesn’t belong, not now, not ever.

He and Jongdae are just outsiders.

Like his room, the dorm is empty. Luhan goes out to meet his old friends, Kris goes alone on his own shopping trip, Tao meets up with his martial art friends, and Yixing simply chats up with his pals at some restaurant. The dorm has Jongdae and him.

Minseok knows the rule. On stage they do fanservice. It’s what their duty is. They are friends; they are more than that, they are brothers. Deeper than the blood. Or so they say. Then Minseok goes along with charade: Maybe if he believes it hard enough, maybe it’ll become true. For a moment, it does. Then they go back to their dorm and the charade stops playing. They go their separate ways.

And so on the stage Minseok holds onto their hands, on one side he holds Luhan and, on the other, Kris. He keeps his eyes open, so that he can memorize the next moment, and when it becomes a mirage, he can still have the image in his head.

Because he’s afraid.

Minseok is scared that when he wakes up, he will see a picture of Luhan, Yixing, Kris, or Tao on the front page of newspapers, announcing that he will leave EXO-M to pursue his own career. Minseok asks himself whether if there’s anything he can do to prevent that. Maybe he should try harder to make it work between them, but will they listen to his plead? Or will they push him away because he’s outsider?

Minseok doesn’t want to find out.

The words of Luhan ring true in his mind: The life expectancy of a boyband is ten years max. There will be nothing left for the rest of us anyway.

So they keep up with the fanservice and turn their eyes the other direction.

Jongdae believes in hard work, not luck and fate.

Since childhood, Jongdae works hard for what he does. He represents every diligent child there is around the world. He studies, he reads, and he studies again. When he gets the chance to train and debut in SM Entertainment, he knows that it’s because of hard work, not luck. Hard work creates luck.

But there is something that no hard work can change, and that is his nationality.

The moment he joins the company, he knows that he has to start the process again. The Chinese members are surprised when he joins Chinese team. More than surprise. The Chinese members expect another Chinese trainee, the older trainee to join their group. Yet here is Jongdae, another Korean joining the team. Jongdae doesn’t blame them. He expects a reaction like that from them.

After all, he is a Korean, not Chinese.

Thus he studies the Chinese pronunciation and characters every night. He has to. He has to work twice harder than the Chinese members. Otherwise, the Chinese audience will reject him even further.

Now as he stands on the stage, he looks over the space in between them and him, and he realizes that no amount of hard work can compensate for the distance.

Like Minseok, he is an outsider.

Then one of the staffs tells him that he should do some interactions with Chinese members. What if the fans think you guys aren’t close? Jongdae says nothing but follows the order. He, like the rest of the group, acts.

It’s okay, his sunbae once said, sometimes, people have to wear masks.

But Jongdae wants to ask: Why do people wear mask? Why do they need to hide?

Jongdae never asks the questions, because he’s afraid of the answer.

Like his sunbae, Jongdae keeps his personal feeling away from the professional. They are nothing but a boyband. On stage, they are friends, brothers. Off stage, they are coworkers, acquaintances.

And so the records keep on playing, and Jongdae prays that it will never stop. Because the moment it stops, everything becomes nothing.


End file.
